"Women And Men"

Less than an hour ago, I stepped out to have a cigarette. My eyes darted up the block to watch an attractive woman in a low-cut top and skin-tight sweats step onto the street and start walking towards her car. On the sidewalk was a man pushing his baby in a stroller. His wife was a few paces behind him, walking their dog. If I could see his head turn to follow the tight sweats, she had to have seen it, too. Two thoughts occurred to me simultaneously: "damn dude, your wife is hot; what's the problem?" and "we men really are all just men aren't we?"

I suppose, in all fairness, I should mention that I've seen the occasional woman glance my way even though she was in the company of her own male escort. And I'm not about to pontificate about the glories of men being horny bastards. Some men hide it better than others; I am not one of them. More than once I've had female friends talk about my constantly darting eyes, wondering why I don't get whiplash from turning my head all the frickin' time. It's something I keep working on.

Whether coincidence, or by the will of my higher power, I had actually been talking with my sponsor on this very subject earlier today.

From time to time, a newcomer will walk into the rooms that catches my attention. Now, I'm a firm believer in the 'no new relationships for a year' suggestion and especially its flip-side 'leave the newcomers the fuck alone'. But I came to that by not listening to it and making some unfortunate, painful, mistakes. Suffice to say, I learned my lesson. I've also done plenty of work through therapy when it comes to my relationships with women. Followers of this blog know that I'm not dating right now while I take some time to work on being okay by myself. None of this means, though, that I don't notice when a good-looking woman sits down next to me.

The thing I was talking to my sponsor about was how frustrated I get by how I still obsess about a newcomer from time to time. I told him it's unwanted emotions. I don't act on it, don't try to hook up with her or call her, but I'd still rather not feel that, you know? He picked up on the guilt and shame I was feeling and had some good things to say. He reminded me that my actions are what counts, and that if I'm being genuinely nice and welcoming, but not crossing the line to where I'm hitting on her, then that's a very good thing. It's progress worth being proud of. As for being attracted to a good-looking woman? Congratulations, Zach, you're a man! He polished it all off with some of his loving sarcasm. "You should be ashamed of yourself for feeling that shame, dude." Love that guy.

I wasn't around other boys growing up. I didn't have any strong male influences in my life to explain to me that being a horny dude is just part of being a man. I didn't know that it was normal and okay to feel that. It feels stupid to write, but it's the truth. And somehow I doubt I'm the only guy who's ever been made to feel guilt and shame when it comes to sex. (Heh-heh. 'Comes' to sex.)

Something my sponsor is real big on is turning the 'unhealthy' obsessions into positive ones. It's just as easy to imagine a wildly good thing can happen as it is to let fear turn your mind to something terrible. Today he suggested why don't I imagine this: a sexy newcomer walks in and sits down. She sticks around, works the program. In a year or so she approaches me and says, 'ya know, Zach, I've worked through my steps and I've been doing this Recovery thing for a year now. I've always appreciated how sweet and respectful you've been to me. How'd you like to go have coffee?"

Maybe the one fantasy isn't any better than the other, but it seems to me that it's a much better thought than beating myself up for just being a man.