“Deeper Understanding”

I’m a Kate Bush fan. One of my favorite songs of hers is called ‘Deeper Understanding’. It’s loosely about addiction--computer addiction, actually. The chorus is my favorite part: “Hello; I know that you’ve been feeling tired; I bring you love and deeper understanding. Hello; I know that you’re unhappy; I bring you love and deeper understanding.”

Many times, I’ve closed my eyes and imagined someone singing those words to me. The same goes for that Sade song, ‘By Your Side’. Come to think of it, there are a whole host of songs like that, songs that capture the feeling of what I want from a woman. Maybe I should make up a playlist, drive to the ocean, roll the windows down, crank the stereo up loud, and play it as an appeal to the cosmic forces. Certainly, my perfect woman will emerge from the waves, walk right over, and profess her undying devotion to me. Yes, I am being facetious.

There was a news/opinion story today about couples with wide age differences. There was some analysis in there, looking specifically at older men & younger women. The women (re: girls) tend to have histories of abuse, absent father issues, etc. The men tend to think they’re hot shit, different from other men, special, etc. In both cases, a lot of it boils down to people being unable or unwilling to open themselves up, be emotionally available.

As a man who has been on both lopsided sides of that equation--I’ve dated women a lot younger than me AND been the much-younger part of a couple--I’d have to say I agree with that assessment. When I was with an older woman, it was because I wanted to remain childish, be taken care of. When I was with a younger woman, it was because I thought I was ‘special’ and ‘deserving’ and other egotistical bullshit like that.

I remember a friend of mine telling me, “Zach, let someone into your life who is your equal.” In other words, stop hiding, stop being afraid, let yourself open up to another person who you might actually make a real connection with.

Ironically enough, Melody Beattie’s book ‘The Language Of Letting Go’ had a passage on this subject for today’s date--how important it is to not do relationships out of fear, to leave that stuff behind, allow ourselves to be vulnerable and share our hearts with another human being. It was very timely advice.

It’s at least a little ironic that someone such as myself, who is always desiring that deeper connection, the deeper understanding, has so much difficulty making myself open. Or maybe it’s not a mystery at all; maybe it makes perfect sense that because I have such a hard time opening myself up, I haven’t experienced very much of that kind of a connection.

Relationships are disasters for a lot of us with the disease. Sometimes it’s the result of being abused as children. Sometimes it’s because of being sexually assaulted. Sometimes we just happened to be raised in families where intimacy--true, loving intimacy--didn’t happen. And it’s not like our culture gives us a hand at this, either. We’re bombarded with shallow, superficial messages from movies and television that teach us ‘true love’ that is in actuality codependence. Or stalking.

There is some good, old wisdom out there, though, for relationships. When you stop looking for love, that’s when you find it. You have to be okay by yourself first before you’re able to be a partner in a healthy relationship. You need to love yourself before you can love someone else.

I’ve had enough unhealthy relationships to know that being by myself is much better than being in a bad relationship. And these days, with some Recovery and serenity under my belt, I truly would rather be by myself than go crazy trying to do relationships the way I used to. That shit was straight-up insanity. But that doesn’t mean I particularly enjoy being alone. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to have someone to share my life with. It doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely sleeping by myself.

But hey, if everything was perfect, what would I have to complain about?

My sponsor got me going on a good mantra a long time ago: maybe the perfect woman is out there, maybe she isn’t. I can accept how I feel, know that it’s okay to feel it, and then let go. For me, it’s a trust the higher power thing. The point is to be okay with just me, by myself, because if I can do that, if I can be at peace with just me, then ultimately it doesn’t matter so much if I have a woman in my life or not.