“It Works”

I’m a little tired this evening, but it’s the good kind of tired. Earlier this week, I strained my calves a bit and had taken a day off from the running. I hate to miss a day of exercise, though, so I did my weights for three days straight. Today, it finally cooled down a bit. I stepped out to get the mail this afternoon and felt a nice breeze. My first thought was, “ah! Great weather to get back out and run.” I did my mile and felt fantastic afterward. Those folks who are always saying exercise feels good? They’re right.

I spent some time in the studio as well today. I’m working on a rock track that will go out as part of promotion for a book. It’s long-distance collaboration, and those are always fun. My friend wrote the song and recorded all the vocals and guitar tracks. Then I downloaded what he had done and brought it into my system where I added drums, bass, piano, and did the mix. I’m really pleased with how it came out--especially the drums. They sound like real drums to me, not something I programmed in the computer. After sending the mix off, the guy I’m doing the work for had some great compliments for how well it turned out. That was awesome to hear. After all, I’m just one guy working out of his apartment, but with practice and patience, I’m able to turn out work that sounds as professional as anything done in a pro studio.

For my bellybutton birthday a couple weeks back, my sister and brother-in-law gave me some free movie passes. Later tonight, I’m going to check out one of the latest effects-laded comic book hero movies. I don’t expect the story to be deep, I don’t imagine the characters to be toe deep either, and the dialogue will probably be terrible. But I don’t care. I just want to go to the theatre and enjoy the spectacle of the big screen. You know, just have a good time.

I spend a lot of time swimming in the deep end; I could use more time wading in the shallow end of the pool.

It’s an amazing thing to be able to relax. To not just take the time, but make the time for myself and enjoy it. When I look back at today, I realize that it’s been a day of being good to myself. I don’t always remember to do that, but I’m getting better at it. It’s happening more often. Bit by bit, I’m becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin.

I love that metaphor, by the way, of our skin ‘not fitting’. No matter how you say it--wanting to crawl out of your skin, our skin not fitting, feeling comfortable in our own bodies, etc. I used to need to be loaded on something just to be okay with . . . me. The truth, of course, is that even when I was loaded I wasn’t really okay with myself; I was simply too fucked up to care or worry about it. It’s a pretty incredible feeling to be at peace with myself now and to have that be a genuine feeling, something real that isn’t dependent on substances. I must admit: sometimes I wonder how many ‘normies’ are at peace with themselves. Probably not that many.

Somehow I doubt I’ll ever be grateful for having the disease, but I have immense gratitude for where I am these days. I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t an addict. But I really wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t worked the program. And if I want to stay here, I have to keep on working it.

It’s like I said at that newcomers meeting a few days back: I wouldn’t keep doing this if it didn’t work.