“An Interview At Last”

Wow. Okay, so I was laid-off from my previous job last April. I’ve done a little temp work, done some under-the-table jobs for friends, played some gigs here and there, but have basically been unemployed for over a year. I’ve sent out applications, resumes, but it’s been really quiet on the job front. As in, dead silent. No calls, no interviews, nothing.

Last Friday, I finally got a call to come in and interview for a position. The interview was this morning. How does it feel? Well, if I do get the job, ask me then. Until I hear one way or the other, I must admit to being very on-guard against feeling anything too strongly. The interview went well, though, that much I can say.

It’s been said that those of us who really work the program end up being great employees. It has something to do, I think, with having a new lease on life, and about going about out lives intentionally. We suit up and show up. We’re honest, dependable, and grateful. Or maybe that’s a load of horseshit. Ah, I don’t know.

I guess I’ve got a lot of mixed emotions going on; that’s why it’s hard to sort things out. I’m not second-guessing myself, though, not thinking I got the job or didn’t. It’s other stuff. I want to be able to pay my rent, buy food, have money for other expenses. At the same time, I enjoy having time to work on all my artistic endeavors. I’m a little worried, too, about how working will interfere with my long-term plans to become a therapist. On the other hand, how can I even continue to pay for school without income?

There’s many thoughts swimming around my brain, threatening to turn into obsession. And yet... they aren’t. They’re below the surface, but not breaking through. It seems to be a Recovery thing. Like, I did the next right thing and it was almost instinctual. The past few days, as I had this interview looming, I wasn’t obsessing over it. I didn’t play out any imaginary conversations. If I felt myself starting to worry or obsess, I pushed it back and did that wonderful letting go thing I’ve been practicing for the past few years.

Today, when I went into the interview calm, relaxed, friendly, making jokes. I talked about my work experience, of course, but I realized something as I left. They say selling yourself is a big part of the interview process. I’ve always hated that idea. I don’t think of myself as a very good salesman. To me, making a sale is about convincing someone to buy something they don’t need. It feels like manipulation.

I didn’t try to manipulate the interview, and the only thing I ‘sold’ was my personable nature. That’s what I realized as I was walking away--that I was really letting that side of myself shine. Sort of like an audition for an acting role, almost. Except I wasn’t playing a character for the interviewer, I was just... me. This is me, this is who I am. If you hire me, this is who you’re going to get.

I have no idea if I’m making any sense in all this. The Recovery miracle today for me was in being centered within myself, knowing that I’m a good guy with a lot to offer. No ego about thinking they’d be lucky to have me as an employee, no insecurity about thinking I have nothing to offer. Confidence, that’s the word. And I got there by letting go, by asking for God’s help, and trusting in it. My job? Go to the interview and believe in myself. And I did.

I think that’s why I feel so good about the interview. We’ll keep the fingers crossed that I get hired.