"Bits"

I do a lot of journaling. I'll write about what I'm going through in a particular moment, what I'm thinking and feeling about it. I do my steps in my journal, too. Sometimes, I'll feel the need to write and when I open the page I discover that I don't seem to have anything to say. This blog is like that for me sometimes. There are certain things I remind myself of, though. I'm not perfect; I'm not a spiritual genius, just a man trying to figure his way through the crazy world we all live in. I remind myself that I'm not the best of the best or the worst of the worst. Not every word I write has to be gold or quotable, or even meaningful. It is okay to just write.

Sometimes it feels good to just write.

* * *

Before my class Wednesday night, I talked with an old friend. She wasn't someone I was especially close to, but had affected my life strongly. Before I was in Recovery, my ex-wife and I had taken her to the hospital once when she'd passed out from too much booze and too many pills. The doctors told her she needed to stop drinking or she would die. She didn't, of course, and the anger and hurt I felt at her drinking again is what drove me to my first 12-step meeting--a men's Al-Anon group. I only went there a couple times, but it was the first tiny baby step towards my own Recovery and the place where it was suggested to me that I read 'Codependent No More'. On Wednesday, we just had chit-chat, but I asked her about my ex. She said they didn't have much contact these days. I said that, if it ever does come up, to let my ex know I hope she's doing well.

* * *

I've been doing some thinking about a couple ghosts from my past. Specifically, someone who used to be my friend who isn't anymore because he hooked up with an ex-girlfriend of mine after insisting to me he never would. I've talked about it a lot with my sponsor, done stepwork on the subject, even wrote a song about it. But there's still anger there. There's still frustration. Part of it feels like anger because she's still struggling with her Recovery. Part of it feels like jealousy because he's able to be with her and I couldn't. Part of it is anger and feeling betrayed. Some of it is pretty twisted--that I'm upset with myself because I couldn't save her. I know it's twisted, sick thinking, but that's what the feelings are. I am surprised that this has come up, actually. It was something I thought I'd dealt with, but obviously not entirely. I'm really hesitant about bringing it up with my sponsor again because I really don't want to hear him say, 'oh God, are you really still stuck on THAT?' I have been praying about it, asking for guidance. I'm hoping God will show me the way forward. Maybe I need to work on forgiving myself more. They say you have to forgive yourself before you can forgive someone else.

* * *

I'm in a dispute over my unemployment benefits and currently not receiving any. The place where I was temping told the state that I refused to work. I have a savings, but it won't last forever. I've already been on the phone with the appropriate state agency and have another phone call set up for next week. I'll tell them my side of the story and they'll make a determination. It seems pretty clear to me that I'm in the right, but that doesn't mean they'll side with me. They could just as easily say, "yes, you refused to do something illegal, but that still counts as refusal." In the meantime, I'm filling out job applications. Things are pretty bad where I live, as they are in so many areas across the country. I'm really conscious, though, of how much I hate doing the kind of work that I did, how it isn't work suited to my personality, and how miserable I was while I was doing it. I'm praying on this subject, too, asking to be shown the way and the strength to follow it. I'm really feeling at a loss over the whole work situation. Lots of worthless happening there. I really can't see the way. So I pray, too, for openness.

* * *

I'm having something of a 'pile-on-Zach' time right now. Thoughts about not being able to have long-term friendships. Feelings of not being able to have a romantic relationship that works. Frustrations about work. All the old stuff about not fitting in in the world. Last night I found myself thinking how nice it would be to get stoned. I don't think that very often, and I knew I wasn't really going to. The instant I realized that, though, my disease jumped up a notch to the next level and started feeding me the old bullshit about committing suicide. That, too, I set aside. I even had a moment of 'you're not even a real drug addict, you goddamned pothead', which I let go of as soon as I'd thought it. So, there is some good Recovery there. The old stuff comes up and I can recognize it and say, "yes, I know you; I see you there" and let it pass by. The thoughts are like the spooks on a haunted house ride: they pop out and go 'boo' and I just keep moving, passing them by.

* * *

It helps, when the disease is piling on so much shit, to look for my good qualities. I'm at a coffee shop right now and offered the extra chair at my table to someone so they wouldn't have to sit on the hard brick. I'm sharing my experience, strength, and hope at this very moment with you, my readers around the world, so that we can all remember that we're not alone in our struggles to deal with life on life's terms. I can remind myself that I'm not a failure for not being able to do something that's impossible. I can remember, too, that I am human and that what I experience in my life is part of being human, and that I'm not going through anything that countless others haven't experienced.

And as I continue to pick myself up, as I continue to move forward, past these momentary shadows of darkness, I remember that there are many who love me and that even if that weren't so, God would still love me with an infinite love so deep and vast that I could never fully understand. I am cared for. I am guided. I won't always understand. I won't always feel serene. It's part of the whole deal.

Still not getting loaded over here.