"Standing Upright"

((This blog is fourth in a four-part series "Attitude Problem"))

I’ve done clerical work for most of my time in the workforce. With the exception of a brief stint teaching piano lessons (that ended in my having a mild nervous breakdown), I’ve always done clerical work. Data entry. Dealing with numbers and finances. Repetitive tasks. Excel spreadsheets and Access databases.

When I was still with my exwife, we went to a marriage counselor. I was still active in my addiction of course and once the counselor found out I was using, she made a big show of talking down to me about it. I’d had dreams at that point of making some career moves and the counselor told me basically to just forget it—that I was a drug addict, stop dreaming and get myself a grunt job at Cosco. She didn’t see me as a person of worth, because I was (am) an addict. My ex sat there the whole time, saying nothing, but that’s another story. Never once did this therapist mention getting into Recovery.

When I was under treatment for a bipolar mis-diagnosis, the doctor pressed home the point to me again and again to get some kind of job—any job!—so that I would have an income. This is not bad advice, but I don’t remember her as being someone who gave good advice, just prescriptions for legal drugs while at the same time telling me I needed to quit the illegal ones. This doctor also never said anything about doing a Recovery program.

I’d been raised with the not-so-gentle urging to get a state job. Both of my parents had been state workers (back in the days when state workers were actually productive), and had always pressed home the point of finding something stable. My dreams of pursuing music didn’t fall into that paradigm of theirs. So I found my way into data entry and other clerical work. When I got this last job, it was with that kind of thinking in mind—find something stable, dependable. It was neither.

I’m currently in school, taking night classes. I’m working my way through a certification program to be a drug & alcohol counselor. For one of our extra-credit assignments, we had the opportunity to take a personality test which let us know what type of work we are best suited for. Counseling was on my list. The results also talked about which jobs we’re not suited for. On my printout, the first line of that section read, “Avoid repetitive clerical positions at all costs.”

You don’t say...

One of my more crazy ideas though this whole losing my job, getting it back, then losing it again fiasco, has been the notion that I will eventually end up in a position that is good for me. Because I stood up for myself and didn’t stand for being treated as just a cog in a machine, I will find myself in a workplace where I am not seen as one. Other people treat us how we allow ourselves to be treated, whether that’s in the workforce, or in an abusive relationship.

I’m still learning who I am. I know much better, now, than I ever have before, but I know too that I am a work in progress. I am always growing, changing, learning. I’m hopeful that my schooling will lead me to a job where I can be much happier. And in the meantime, I will still need to have a day-job. But even if I end up doing a job just because it’s what I have to do, I know it won’t be forever.

There are an endless range of possibilities, and many of us who work the Program discover that things we never could have dreamed possible become a part of our daily lives. I don’t know what my dream job would be. I still have the idea in my mind to have a private therapy practice. But I like that part of my journey to get there is taking on this drug & alcohol specialization. It means I’ll get to help others along the way. And even if that ultimately is only a small part of what I do to earn my living, I will still be earning my living by helping others.

In the meantime, I have done some very good things for self-esteem: I stood up for myself, I’m going to school for something that interests me, and I’m working towards new goals that include service as a daily part of my life. In the AA big book, where they talk about working the ninth step, they say that we don’t grovel to anyone. I think that’s true for how we are to conduct ourselves in our everyday lives, too. I live an honest life, one of integrity, and that more than anything means being honest with myself about who I am. The journey continues.