I keep thinking that I need to have a censored picture of myself here. Something about that whole anonymity thing. I don't use my last name and protect other people's anonymity, but still. Having a picture of myself, even one that most people wouldn't recognize as me? I'll think on it some more.
My two-year sobriety birthday is coming up soon. I'm doing my best to keep on, one day at a time, but am definitely conscious of it. Maybe on the day itself I'll write a reflection of the past couple years. Though I do have a lot planned for that day already. My two homegroup fellowships are having BBQs--both on that day and in almost the same location. I have been thinking about the big 2 off and on for awhile. I'm sure at some point I'll be better able to just sit back, relax, and let it be.
After a relapse on the cigarettes, I am back to day 2 there. It feels good to still be trying. The temptation is so strong to just say fuckit and pick back up. But I'd really rather not. I'm being a little more aggressive in my attempt to quit now. Before, I was just chewing the nicotine gum as much as I needed or wanted to. Now, I've actually got myself on a reduction regiment. In time, it will be done. Just gotta keep reminding myself that I'm worth it.
I even gave myself a little incentive last night. When I was unemployed, I was doing a lot of exercising and I'd even started running. This was huge for me. I was the kid who NEVER did anything active. I didn't play sports. I didn't have friends I ran around and played with. For god sakes, I was the kid who was picked last in P.E. after all the girls. But I've been feeling that itch to run for a few months now because I know it will be great exercise and I want to show myself what I'm capable of. And yes, I want to look good naked. Who doesn't? Since I went back to work, the exercise has fallen way down the priority list. So last night I went on my walk/run. I'd been on a plan to gradually step up the amount of running I did over time. Last night, I ran half a mile. Not all at once, just a quarter mile at a time with a quarter mile walk in-between. But it felt good to push myself. It had probably been a week since I'd ran and I had only done a quarter mile before.
There is something this Recovery thing does, a transformation that takes place. The craziest part of it is that it happens almost naturally, just by continuing to show up. If you go to enough meetings, you'll start thinking about how you need to get a sponsor and work the steps. You'll find a desire to be of service. And ever so gradually, you will come to the amazing realization that you are a person of worth and value. It can happen even faster if it's something you actively pursue. But even if you don't, even if you just keep on showing up for meetings, keep coming back, the change will happen. There's an indescribable energy of healthy meetings. When you've put yourself in the middle of a group of people who are actively working to be more spiritual, who are actively moving towards being healthier, you move with them in the same direction.
Letting go is so important. "Let go or be dragged," the saying goes. I prefer, "allow it to happen," because that's what worked for me, but it really doesn't matter. It's whatever works for each person.
I have so much in my life to be grateful for these days. Some of it was already there, I just didn't know how to be grateful for it and accepting of it. I have a good home, food in the fridge (okay, the freezer--I'm a guy, what do you want?) I'm pretty damn lucky to be alive. Today, it feels like the biggest difference in my life is how I look at it. There are many, many, other differences of course, but in this moment that seems to be the big one. I could go on about being able to be honest now, or being a man of integrity, or of strength and courage, and those are all very good things. I'm really grateful for those changes and for being able to see them. But the biggest change of all seems to be the very fact that I can be grateful now.
Praise be.
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