"Chaos Envy"

I've written before about feeling less-than because my story isn't as horrific as others', but the subject is on my mind again today.

We all have different paths which lead us to Recovery, but there are common themes. Most people have an example of trauma in their past, whether it's being verbally abused, molested, or raped. Most of us would agree that our lives were hard, regardless of why or how they were. A lot of us know how it feels to not belong, and to feel worthless. I've counseled sponsees and newcomers about feeling less-than because their lives weren't as rough as some others. I tell them that's something to be grateful for, and that it's pointless to compare yourself to others in that way because you can always find someone worse--or better.

I share with them, too, about my own experiences in life and how they sometimes lead me to feel the same way. We hear about so much of the Real in the rooms. I don't know anywhere else that you can hear people bravely share their honest truth about being assaulted, or imprisioned, or locked away in a mental hospital. Sometimes, someone will share all of the above in just their own story. I've been arrested, but haven't really gone to jail. I've been institutionalized, but for suicide--not because I was loaded.

I'm thinking of coining a phrase, here, for this idea that we're less-than someone else because we haven't been through as much disaster in our life as others have. "Chaos Envy". Yeah. I think I'll keep that.

At my home group tonight, I got to claim my time. They called for August birthdays and I said that I will have two years on the 21st. When I shared, a number of people called out 'Happy Birthday'. I was suprised by it, and deeply appreciated the love. The discussion topic was what have other people in the program done for you and I shared about feeling low, suicidal, back in January. I talked about how it was a friend from the program who was there for me, who called me to let me know that he'd heard I was having a tough time and that he cared about me. And I said how there was a time--a long time, and not that long ago--where I couldn't imagine having friends like that.

That's a pretty bad place to be. To be so miserable. To be unable to imagine someone caring enough about me to call and say they didn't want me to die. I remember feeling like that most of the time. I didn't get there because I was told I wasn't good enough. I wasn't abused verbally, physically, or sexually (that I can recall), but it is where I spent most of my days. I remember feeling that way long before I ever first picked up. I remember being a teenager and feeling this way. There's a line from a book I read once about being afraid to go to sleep because I'd wake up and live.

Wanting to die, that was so much of how I spent my life before Recovery. Getting loaded relieved me of this feeling at first, but after a while it stopped doing so. And I still have moments here and there where the feeling resurfaces, but they are becomming fewer and fewer. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that my own personal hell might not have been as hellish as some others' was, but it was hell for me. And that means I qualify.

It doesn't matter what you've been through. Only you can judge for yourself if you've bottommed-out. Just like only you are qualified to say if you suffer from this disease. Just as only you can decide for yourself that you want Recovery.