"Among The Normies"

What's with all the less-than?! This is what I'm asking myself right at this exact point. Allow me to explain.

I'm at a party, put on by an old college friend. It's cool, actually. When a bunch of musicians get together and have a party, they don't really have entertainment. Everybody brings their gear and you get a rotating group of performers. People step up, go off, and everybody gets to play while everybody gets to listen to everybody play. I've yet to step up, but I know I won't get away without taking my turn at the keys.

There's lots of booze, and I caught a whiff of the ganja, too. I'm holding fast to my 7up.

I don't put myself in these situations very often, because it leads directly to all kinds of unhealthy thoughts. Damn I wish I could drink like normal people. Man, it'd be nice to get high. This party has some added stress for me, though, and it's bigger than the urge to get loaded, wishing I was up there playing with everyone and feeling very out on the outskirts of the crowd because I'm not. But there's more than that, too. Most of these people are couples. They have families. Children. Houses. I find myself skirting around that, "damn I am such a fuck-up" area. I know I don't have to think that or feel that way, but sitting here among the BMWs and SUVs, it's a little tough not to have that floating in brain. So I try to remember I Am Enough.

When I had a month or two sober, I went and saw a friend's show. It was in a bar, and that didn't bother me so much. I smelled the reefer outside there, too, and did okay. There just came a point where I had to decide for myself to just have fun. Just have a good time. I'll do my best to get there tonight.

A pity party is a party of one, and I can isolate very well in a room full of people. So I'm talking to the people I know, not bailing early even though I really would like to. My sorbriety isn't in danger, and this time will pass. Even though it's a struggle at the moment, I'm struggling towards a good place. Very different from how it used to be. I'm not getting fucked up and making an ass of myself. I'm not being a dick to anyone. Keep on keepin' on.