Tuesday, August 3, 2010

"Wisdom To Know The Difference"

Lil' Joshua is screaming right now, the way a baby wails when frightened by too many loud noises. Sometimes the hardest thing in the world can be to not have a tantrum, slam doors, throw things. I'm using my tools today. Especially prayer.

I came into work unsettled. Since getting here, I was copied on an email talking about the woman who's going to be taking over the job I'm doing here. That's twice now that 'my' job has been given to someone else. Then I spilled coffee all over my workstation and myself. I was livid. In two and a half years, I've never once spilled coffee at my desk. Had to plug in a new keyboard and I'll be dealing with a cold, wet pant leg for hours.

It will be alright. It's alright now, of course. I've just got a lot of questions running through my mind. Questions about straight-up life issues. Kind of a shame. I was all set to write about honesty and truth and be inspirational, but life is doing something different than what I want yet again. I remind myself that I'm not alone, that there are many others like me who have just as hard a time accepting when life doesn't go the way we want it to. On another day, maybe the sequence of events wouldn't bother me. Today, it's got me freaking the fuck out.

Breathe. Breathe. Remember that this, too, shall pass. Remember that I still don't have a lot of experience accepting life on life's terms. Remember that my life is unmanageable. I can't do it, only God can. And I need to let him.

The program of Recovery isn't a way to get off drugs or alcohol, it's a way to live life for those of us who don't know how.

I'm thinking once again about how this job isn't me. I'm feeling frustrated that I might not ever get to do with my life what I want to do. I'm worried that I will always be stuck, having to pretend to be just another drone. I remember that it isn't up to me, it's up to God, and that he will lead me if I let him. I find gratitude that I'm not starving or homeless or hungry. I give myself a break because I'm not throwing things or slamming doors or breaking things no matter how much I might want to. I give myself credit that I'm not getting loaded. I may want more than anything else to throw my hands up and say, "fuck it!" And let it all go to hell, but I don't. Instead, I work my program, I use my tools, and I sit back down at my desk and keep moving forward.

I remember, too, that it isn't always hard, it's just hard right now. And it's not hard because what I'm going through is hard, it's hard simply because I'm still an addict and I still have bad days. We all do. It's part of life.

Outside, I prayed for guidance. I asked to be shown the way and for help to get through. A rough-cut version of the eleventh step. "God, tell me what you want me to do and help me to do it." And within me I felt the urge to say the serenity prayer. I confess, I did it with my own little favorite twist.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change what I can, and wisdom to know the motherfuckin difference."

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